Awareness

I’ve always turned to writing in the darkest times. Pain…write. Anger…write. Despair…write. So I’m laying here at 6:56 am (I have no idea why I’m up) wondering why I haven’t written in so long. I’m not in a dark place…in case you were wondering. My point being, I’ve always used writing as a coping mechanism and as a way to express myself. Am I not expressing myself? Am I not coping? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Writing…at times is like second nature to me. An idea comes to mind, I start to type and now here we are. Then there are times when writer’s block is a bitch.

If you haven’t been able to tell by now (read all my other post 😬), I’m not your unicorn and rainbows type of gal. I’m not a Debby downer either though… Somewhere in between I can’t believe this is happening and what’s my plan B in case shit goes left.

It’s very hard for me to settle in or accept things as they are sometimes. My mind is forever in overdrive and trying to talk myself out of just being.

May is mental health awareness month…I’ve known this but clearly it took me the whole month to decide on if I wanted to talk about it or not. Somewhere between I want to talk about it because I wish someone spoke to me about it and it’s none of anyone’s business (lol).

But I’m obviously leaning towards the first one because with everything that I write I hope someone can relate or that It could help someone.

So let me tell you about my best friend…anxiety. Definitely one of those relationships that are forced on you and now you’re stuck lol. First let me say this… I don’t “suffer” from anything…”I’ve dealt with” or “I am dealing with”…power in words.

Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back I’ve dealt with anxiety for a long time. I was also very shy and I’m still somewhat very reserved. Anxiety will have you second guess things that you know to be true. Anxiety is living in the “what if” realm. It’s very hard to relax when you’re anxious…think about it. Then think about feeling ongoing anxiety. Some people only experience anxiety with significant events. Imagine being anxious about the “smallest” thing and having people tell you it’s “no big deal”, “you think too much” or my favorite one “so what” lol. Guess what? It is a big deal because I think too much and so what is a very rare answer my brain provides me with. Anxiety is probably why I’m up right now though I have no idea why I’m anxious. I have been and still sometimes avoid certain situations to avoid the anxiety that I know I’m going to feel. Overtime I’ve learned that you can’t really avoid feeling anxious, you just have to figure out how you’re going to minimize it in a situation. Control. My anxiety stems from the unknown and not being able to control certain things. When you can “control” your environment, anxiety has less “control” over you. The problem is…it’s not very often that you can control your environment completely. 🤔.

Depression…the word in itself sounds depressing. A little while ago we would never be speaking about depression. I know I wouldn’t be. Mainly because I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was depression. I’ve always thought of those times as “I’m going through some shit but it’ll pass” and it usually did but sometimes to get through it…boy

Another thing about depression is how it’s “advertised”. It’s advertised in the most generic way and yeah some people might experience it they way you see it in those nice commercials but I’d guess that most do not. That’s also why it’s hard for some people to know if or when someone else is dealing with depression.

I was depressed and functioning. I completed my “responsibilities”. I didn’t sleep all day and trust me there were many days that I would have given anything to do just that. I took care of myself physically. I still couldn’t shake it though. There were periods of time where I had no appetite, I was always tired and even though I was going to work and school, I had no desire or will to do either. Now, there’s a difference between “i don’t feel like going to work today” and “I don’t want to go to work, I need to go to work, I cannot get out of bed”. I think a main component of depression is having the “desire” or “will” to do something.

The day I admitted to myself that what I was going through was depression, I could not get out of bed. Not mentally and not emotionally…which translated to not physically. How do you explain to someone who may not have experienced what you’re experienced how you’re feeling? Or that you can’t get out of bed even though physically nothing is wrong? I didn’t know the answer then…so I didn’t explain. I showed up where I was supposed to be but I wasn’t feeling like myself. I was going through the motions. Besides some immediate ppl most people probably never knew I was depressed. I think it was a little of both…I was good at playing the game and people don’t understand or know what depression really looks like.

A lot of why mental health isn’t addressed is because of stigma. Also because mental health is not a “thing” in a lot of cultures. Having those kind of feelings to them means you need to pray or seek a higher power etc. Then there are some people who can’t fathom why you would even have feelings of depression when you have certain things…sigh. Possessions don’t always equate to lasting happiness and a lot of the time the people who have the most are still unhappy.

I say all of this to say someone dealing with mental health doesn’t have one look. People come in all different shapes and sizes. How we experience things vary. Be more mindful of the people around you. You never know what someone is dealing with.

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Anxiety

I wrote this awhile ago and forgot about it 🤦🏽‍♀️. I think we all experience some kind of anxiety and/or self-doubt when we are trying to better ourselves and/or step out of our comfort zone…

I was going to speak up today

But you caught my tongue

Had me tongue tied, palms sweaty and knees weak

My voice is shallow and in my mind is a whirlpool of unlikely events that I pray never scratches the surface

I was going to hit the share button on my latest venture

I felt my muscles tighten up and my mind went into overdrive

99 thoughts of failure on the wall

I stand still as signs wiz pass

Slow down, speed limit strictly enforced

You’re moving too fast

Deer crossing sign

They stare, they won’t understand you

Yield

To what society thinks, what they people want to see

Finally…merge

Or get left

Life is too short

Not enough time for regret

I’d rather do what I enjoy & hope you enjoy it to

Rather not drown in self doubt or worry about the clout

Rather perfect my craft

I did the math

Self confidence plus talent or skill

Minus the nay sayers

Equals gratification

Availabilty

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We often measure availability as a good trait and positive construct. We praise the kind of person who is “always there when I need them”, or “will drop everything and run”. Don’t get me wrong, those are admirable traits…to and for the right people.

On the flip side of things always being available is a gift and a curse. Being available means I’m a good friend, I got your back, I’m here for you etc etc. It also is the vehicle that drives people down the road of complacency. “I don’t have XYZ? It’s fine because I know my Ride or Die got it.” “Shit, I fucked up?…no worries, my go to is going to clean this up”.

That teaches certain people that they don’t have to work things out on their own or come up with a solution to their problem. EYE (I) am not the solution to your problems. Now I can absolutely be that support, that encouragement, that shoulder to lean on but don’t take advantage of that.

Know the difference between when you’re being available to someone and being someone’s safety net. There are some things in life (some might even argue, most things in life) that you have to handle on your own. You cannot slack on your responsibilities or be lax on them because you know if shit hits the fan you have people you can count on. It’s selfish. 1: You’re neglecting to think about what your ride or die or go to person has going on in their own life. Life is REAL. A lot of times we get wrapped up in our own shit and forget that other people always experience shit. 2. You put an unnecessary weight/guilt on your go to people by putting them in uncomfortable situations. I don’t want to have to have uncomfortable conversations about why I can’t help you this time.

A “no” or “I can’t” should be a simple answer right? Even so that seems to be hard for us when it comes to people that we care about. I want everyone around me to be good and in a good space but you should also want that for me.

Know that when you bring people into your issues all the time you’re taking away from them dealing with their personal issues.

Don’t read this and think I’m telling you not to be a good friend, partner, daughter, son, wife or husband. I’m just saying that sometimes it’s perfectly okay to say no. If I always help you through the same issue, or handle the same issue for you, you now become dependent and choose not to find a solution of your own.

 

1 Year (owwww)

 

Unknown     It has officially been a year since I started this here blog. I must say that I’m kinda proud of myself lol. I’m not where I want to be with this blog quite yet but I’ll get there.

I’m looking forward to what 2018 holds for me. I’m not scared, I’m not anxious, I’m simply just looking forward to it. I can’t say that 2017 has been a horrible year. It definitely has had its challenges but overall I’m proud of how I made it through the year. I’m using 2017 as a stepping stone to a better year in 2018 and a better me overall.

Looking back at my first blog post on here, one of my goals for 2017 was to spend more time doing things that make me happy. I did that! and guess what??….I plan to do a lot more of that in 2018.

In 2018 I want to step out of my comfort zone even more than I am now. I want to share my creative side with you all :). I want to become more financially stable….Just to name a few things. Can’t let y’all in on all the secrets. Stay Tuned though!

Two things that I started in 2017 and will be continuing in 2018 are:

A Podcast! – Can I Kick It? The Podcast Here we discussed EVERYTHING. Culture, The current state of the world, music etc etc. Something for everyone, check it out 🙂

A YouTube Channel- SparkedBySimone Vlogs, Rants, My stance on certain topics/issues, jokes and anything else that gives a peep into the person that I am. Comment, Like and Subscribe 🙂

I want to wrap this up by saying: Make 2018 your best year to date, dust off your to-do list, cancel your excuses and get to it! Happy New Year!

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Slow & steady wins the race

I know, I know 🙄. It’s cliche. It’s not what you want to hear and it’s damn sure not what I want to hear. It’s true though. Hear me out…

How many times have you rushed through something and made careless mistakes? How many times have you bought something on impulse and see that same item a few days later for a lower price? How many times did you just go with the first option and later found out the second option was better?

I know you related to at least one of those scenarios. Now we all know there is no way that we can 100% account for those situations all the time. My point is that acting impulsively might set you back further than you were to begin with.

Sometimes it’s not good to cut corners or take the fast way out or even the cheaper way out. In this society we are so obsessed with instant gratification that we forget about logic when making a decision.

I can speak from personal experience that it is extremely difficult to stay the course or have patience when everyone else seems to be zipping by or even when you feel like you should be further on your path. So I’m writing this for me just as much for you. Stay your course. What is for you will come.

Now I’m definitely not saying sit back with your feet up and wait for things to come to you. What I am saying is that hard work HAS to pay off. 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Sometimes our “pay off” comes in ways we weren’t checking for. It’s not always a direct correlation but another door always opens. Kinda like a puzzle, you just go with it putting whatever pieces together with the goal being the bigger picture. We use different strategies but the goal is always the same.

Stay strong ✊🏽

Tired 🙄

I grow tired & weary of people. Tired of “selling myself”, tired of people trying to take advantage and tired of the expectation that settling is better than nothing. To all of that I say…FOH.

Who says you can’t have it all? Who says you have to be traditional? Who says you can’t have fun and work?

What is your passion? What drives you? What motivates you?

Feed yourself! Physically…Mentally & Emotionally. I’m leading to do that more and more each day.

I’ve started something new…vlogging

For me it was about stepping out of my comfort zone, expressing myself, having fun and simply being. So check me out at the link below & get to know me better ☺️

Welcome to my channel!